Big question. Big topic. So… my Grandpa died a month ago. Today is exactly one month from the day he died. It’s strange. I haven’t properly grieved for him.
I cried a lot the whole month before he died, and the day he died I felt strangely peaceful and almost relieved in a way. Relieved because he is not suffering anymore, and that we don’t have to bear him suffering anymore. The song line that continually ran through my head was always “I’m not crying ‘cuz I feel so sorry for you/I’m crying for me.” (Wayman’s Song) Then I became so busy I was able to push back all the emotions of his death in the back of my mind. I was unable to go to the funeral, which was horrible and I cried about that. (He lived in Scotland and I couldn’t scrape up the extortionate funds) And then yesterday after lunch I was sitting in the train thinking that I will probably be going to see my Granny tomorrow (now today) and … it actually physically felt like my heart cracked in two. I had to return to work so I am still holding it back for now. But it really feels like I have just put a band-aid on my heart, and it’s barely holding everything back. I need to release all of the emotion, I really do. I talked to my Granny last night and we chatted about what I’ve been up to etc. and we decided that my boyfriend and I will go next weekend to see her. We’ll take her out for lunch and then spend the afternoon together. I just… I can’t do it on my own. And I know it’s selfish, especially since it’s my Granny who has felt the brunt of the loss. I just know that if I go alone I will crumble.
So… how do you deal with grief? I don’t know how long I will feel this way for. Five years ago my ex-boyfriend’s sister unexpectedly died, and I still cry for her sometimes. Do you just sortoff roll with things? Like, understand that it’s natural to feel really sad but that things get better? I really don’t know. But then I think that probably nobody really knows, and that you just take things one day at a time. Loss of a loved one is something that everyone has, or is, or will feel.
I think a lot about the person my Grandpa was. (Was.) He was the most gruff, seemingly grouchy person on the outside but the absolute most marshmallow of a man on the inside. I never appreciated or understood his sense of humor until I was in my teens. He had the best sense of humor ever. Every comment was teasing, sarcastic or a little insult. He was fiercely loyal, and a no-bullshitter. That was my favorite quality about him. He told you things straight. No beating around the bush for him! He had a hard life. I won’t go into the details because it’s his personal life, but if anyone knew hardship, grief and pain it was him. Which then leads me to almost answer my own question about how to grieve. He had reason to grieve all his life. So…how did he stay so strong?
Anyhow…so that’s all I need to say for right now. If anyone has anything to add about grief and how you dealt with it, or any thoughts related to it…please feel free to comment or to message me. I’d love to hear from you!