How do you grieve?

Big question. Big topic. So… my Grandpa died a month ago. Today is exactly one month from the day he died. It’s strange. I haven’t properly grieved for him.

I cried a lot the whole month before he died, and the day he died I felt strangely peaceful and almost relieved in a way. Relieved because he is not suffering anymore, and that we don’t have to bear him suffering anymore. The song line that continually ran through my head was always “I’m not crying ‘cuz I feel so sorry for you/I’m crying for me.” (Wayman’s Song) Then I became so busy I was able to push back all the emotions of his death in the back of my mind. I was unable to go to the funeral, which was horrible and I cried about that. (He lived in Scotland and I couldn’t scrape up the extortionate funds) And then yesterday after lunch I was sitting in the train thinking that I will probably be going to see my Granny tomorrow (now today) and … it actually physically felt like my heart cracked in two. I had to return to work so I am still holding it back for now. But it really feels like I have just put a band-aid on my heart, and it’s barely holding everything back. I need to release all of the emotion, I really do. I talked to my Granny last night and we chatted about what I’ve been up to etc. and we decided that my boyfriend and I will go next weekend to see her. We’ll take her out for lunch and then spend the afternoon together. I just… I can’t do it on my own. And I know it’s selfish, especially since it’s my Granny who has felt the brunt of the loss. I just know that if I go alone I will crumble.

So… how do you deal with grief? I don’t know how long I will feel this way for. Five years ago my ex-boyfriend’s sister unexpectedly died, and I still cry for her sometimes. Do you just sortoff roll with things? Like, understand that it’s natural to feel really sad but that things get better? I really don’t know. But then I think that probably nobody really knows, and that you just take things one day at a time. Loss of a loved one is something that everyone has, or is, or will feel.

I think a lot about the person my Grandpa was. (Was.) He was the most gruff, seemingly grouchy person on the outside but the absolute most marshmallow of a man on the inside. I never appreciated or understood his sense of humor until I was in my teens. He had the best sense of humor ever. Every comment was teasing, sarcastic or a little insult. He was fiercely loyal, and a no-bullshitter. That was my favorite quality about him. He told you things straight. No beating around the bush for him! He had a hard life. I won’t go into the details because it’s his personal life, but if anyone knew hardship, grief and pain it was him. Which then leads me to almost answer my own question about how to grieve. He had reason to grieve all his life. So…how did he stay so strong?

Anyhow…so that’s all I need to say for right now. If anyone has anything to add about grief and how you dealt with it, or any thoughts related to it…please feel free to comment or to message me. I’d love to hear from you!

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3 thoughts on “How do you grieve?

  1. To be honest with you there is no way to grieve. You will not completely get over it.. Some days you will cry your heart out, some days you will just remember them and think about them without your heart cracking. Grief is not something that goes away, you compartmentalize grief at best. And that is completely normal.
    When my mom died I also felt relief, but I didn’t cry. Not right away, even when I saw her lying there dead. I did cry though, at the funeral and on random days. We have her enlarged picture in the living room and she comes into our conversations all the time and there is still that string of sadness, that pierces our hearts now and then. But mostly we try to be remember should would want us to be happy and build a life for ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. In a weird way it feels “good” to know that others feel this pain. It unites us, and really makes you think about how we are all more alike than we are different. We love, we grieve and feel loss…deeply. I talk about my Grandpa often, and I know what you mean about the string of sadness that pierces the heart. Whenever we talk about him in conversation there is always that lull when we are quiet and you feel that hurt. Thank you again for your words.

      Liked by 1 person

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